When I finally removed myself from his game he was left with nothing. Best of luck. HORRIBLE. And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. DDay 2 was my turning point. No caring respectable H does that and I would venture to say the OW has been lurking in your M the past few months. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. I can tell from what you have posted you truly understand this is all his doing. You dont cheat. Or someone who has high standards or morals. Im not the source of his problems, although he has made it like I am. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. A doctor will be able to assess if you are a candidate for I know I went into a type of shock the day I stumbled onto my husbands EA. Which makes me think hes still slightly in the fog. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. I deserve an award for keeping up that charade for many months. However he was the one that came to his senses. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? I do not get it. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. I want to be me. Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. Big difference! I feel like im just being chipped away every day. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. Day by day I am grown weaker & more weaker. Nothing changed. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. So we will just keep going. She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. How to shake her from the fog or how to take care of myself. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. Its all I had. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. He only associates with shady characters he knows will agree with him and who dont know us well enough to filter through his BS. Get a lawyer. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! I told him I see now that we want different lives. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. He may be saying Im not talking to the OW but hes not saying who he is talking to until 2 am. In 25 years of M the D words was never used. Its not hate or love. Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. My husband was acting very strange and very nasty towards me. But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. Its so weird. Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. He wont answer questions. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. I really hope I can follow your advice, Im going to reread your response over and over. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. Calm and rational. Hahahahaha asking someone to call if they are going to be 4 hours late is so off the Wall. You are very smart. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. We are just now, and I mean literally in the last couple weeks communicating in a real way, but the relationship may be so damaged now, its unfixable and I have a lot more additional trauma to deal with, from fights, lack of empathy, being called jealous or crazy or hysterical, I dont know what to believe, and Im so much farther past it, with him just now beginning to absorb the absolute terror, trauma and other effects. Ive had a very weird week. I completely understand what you are going through. And if he leaves you or you separate or D it is his choice. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. I hope he comes to his senses. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. You make no demands and ask no questions. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. I dont want to lose myself. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. I know it does. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. I wish we could just have fun, We were for a while there after the separation and now it really just feels so blah. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. Bc if you thought that you were wrong, I on the other hand have read texts, seen proof, lived through this hELL that doesnt seem to ever go away. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. I wish you could get out of this nightmare somehow. I have lived EXACTLY what you are living. He seems unwilling right now to make much effort. Im praying time is on my side. The more you detach and live for you and your baby the better things will be for you. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. Because that is something I will have to handle differently. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. The minute he walks out and when he will be back becomes uncertain, thats when my insides feel like theyre falling and I want to just curl up in a ball. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. Maybe bc he is out of town. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. Separate. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. I think its his conscious. Im sure he never shed a tear for my pain the pain he deliberately created and caused he was heartbroken at as he put it for ME forcing him to hurt an innocent real good woman ( I explained in detail I am a real good woman my mother and grandmother are REAL GOOD WOMEN and I for one am disgusted and offended and made me want to throw up at his daring to put a serial adultering street walking prostitute in his mind or my life as anywhere near a REAL GOOD WOMAN since we dont cheat and screw other womens husbands his whores all did just that) who did nothing wrong man I was exploding pissed off i told him I was the ONLY innocent GOOD WOMAN he ever had promised GOD to never hurt and him and his whore could hang themselves in hell . Many of these stories are helpful. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. He basically blew me off and just kept saying ok whatever ok whatever. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. Its like the more we live like roomates, the more his feelings for me will dwindle I feel. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. I picked up the phone and made arrangements for him to stay with a friend until he found another place. I dont know a normal timeframe, I dont know if there is one. No way. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. I dont know..Ive thought about going to a psychologist but I cant afford it. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. I told him I had nothing left to give him. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. Ignore what he tells lowlife losers. Get your self together. I dont want to live with my husband and father of my child just bc it makes it easier, even though he may be emotionally cheating still and im getting no affection, im walking on egg shells, I dont feel loved by any means. I am just totally losing myself. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. I dont know how this has happened. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. It peaked my suspicion enough that I went to the cell store and asked for as far back as they could go with detailed logs. I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. I dont even know why. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. But who knows. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out These are good time relationships. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! He chooses to go out 4-5 nights per week to the bars and hang out with people you do not even know. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. Sad to say your H has a support group who believe him. I was shaking I was so angry. Sometimes, he wants to discuss stuff anf sometimes I can tell hes immediately annoyed. Its so much pain. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. I dont want a husband like this. They may think I caved. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. And do not mention the OW for now. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. He eventually cut her off and I went back to him (well after falling off the deep end, booze drugs, sex and even tried out a relationship). You just are not reacting to his cheating. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. I started to prepare for a divorce. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. Stay. Its been a few weeks since ive written. Continue to work on yourself both mentally and physically and prepare for the long road ahead and for the possibility that the relationship wont make it. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. People get it. It is Friday now so I really dont know when ill see him, if he will come home and hang out at a normal time, or if he will stay out until 3am, or if tonight will be the night he chooses to not come home at all and test that outHe is being very nice to me, he seems positive when hes around me and its like were roommates that get along great and raise a baby together and a dog. I am sorry you are suffering through this. But maybe im wrong. Only be upbeat in his presence and show that you are moving on in your life. I always look back on the fog, having come out of it, and say WOW. Or prettier. I demanded a post nup. Which is that fair? But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. i have not been supportive of her decisions. He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. Dont play his game. See what happens then. Keep in mind all this time, the OW is STILL reporting to him at work. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. Start preparing just in case. in the comment section below. And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. Recharge yourself. The second issue is the one I cannot figure out and it makes no sense to me (or you). I allowed him to be mean and nasty. He doesnt want to help you in any way. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. Less than one month later he wanted a D (yet again!?). If he wants it so badly, let him do all the work and make sure he gives you everything you deserve and more. Dont be surprised if he either refuses or goes just to shut you up. I begged and apologized. Who is this alien life form that has taken over my sweet loving husband who wanted nothing more than to be with me? Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now?
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