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As one client remarked, Its a couples-oriented society and I hate feeling like a third wheel., Many people believe that the importance of physical attraction is overrated. Considering most of us are nitpicky at some time or the other, we must learn to deal with this together. In some marriages, the level of nitpicking may accelerate into blaming, severe criticism, and hurtful remarks. Please focus on the parts you can change and work on them for the continuity of your marriage and the family bond. The living room? These irritations may seem silly to you, but to the nitpicker, these are serious issues. Instead, assure them that you will take care of the problem and sort out the details as you can. In some cases, a couple may be having regular sex, albeit obligatory and relatively unsatisfactory. Shouting how you feel to your partner on a regular basis is a wrong move, and it only takes the problem from bad to worse for your marriage. If nothing else seems to work, you might have different priorities and references that can't coexist. WebThe only thing you can control is how you react to her to save your marriage. How to Deal with Each Others Quirks. Black and Married with Kids. When nitpickers are complaining, they usually just want you to fix whats making them upset. Here are some of the consequences you may eventually face: 1. Ill even submit that if physical attraction never existed between partners then they are living in a veritable house of cards. When choosing a lifemate, many of these individuals came packing with a checklist comprised of tangibles but lacking in physical attraction. Fantasies are also explored, as these can reveal what partners are really attracted to. Emotional stress or anxiety will also make people find fault in their partners, friends, or coworkers. MATERIAL CONNECTION DISCLOSURE: You should assume that this website has an affiliate relationship and/or another material connection to the persons or businesses mentioned in or linked to from this page and may receive commissions from purchases you make on subsequent web sites. In reflection and being truthful to ourselves, we could find the root cause of these actions, nip them in the bud and get ourselves back together. I realize that Victorian roots are still at play for many. So whats making us get so critical about the people we love and their only-too-natural flaws or oversights? Your lover always wants you to be the best version of yourself to them and others, as you would. After speaking to Lucy (one of their relationship consultants) and telling her of her desperate situation, Lucy was able to give her some concrete steps to follow over the following days. Show tenants that you care about the property. Many couples stuck in sexless partnerships often demonstrate little affection for each other that's non-sexual, such as hand-holding. Yes, it can be easier said than done, but with practice, you can do it! Maybe you didnt do anything at all, but you wont know unless you ask. In this case, the person may not be piled up with anger or frustration. When a partner feels trapped in an unhappy relationship, they tend to consistently find things wrong with their partner: The way they smell, the way they Lets take a look. Affairs. I ask if there is current physical attractionand if it ever existed. What are the causes of lack of accountability? How do you deal with a spouse who is nitpicking? In fact, a few weeks ago one of our readers (who wants to stay anonymous) reached out to them when they was going through an extremely difficult patch in my relationship. Why are the Infinity Stones different colors? We all make mistakes and we all have imperfections. If you're constantly nitpicking someone you love, you'll need a major focus shift if you want to quit and save your marriage. Lack of Respect. Tagged: doing chores together, irritations, Filed under: But I beg to differ. However, you may visit "Cookie Settings" to provide a controlled consent. Nitpicking. We tend to nitpick more when were not feeling fulfilled by whatever were doing, so if you find yourself gettin nitpicky about what your team member is doing, you may not be giving yourself enough to do that you really care about. And sometimes, your partner isn't ready to let go of their emotions and the hurtful words it produces. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. By clicking Accept All, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. What you need to do is maintain a level-headed manner and focus on your job. How do you see me spending my day? Make sure its realistic and one you both can agree on. Please pay attention to what they say and how often they say it. 646-741-3787 Sometimes, your partner projects negative emotions on you to discharge any negative energy they feel. Setting aside time in your relationship to complain, criticize or question your partner allows you and your partner to prepare to hear any criticism you might have. As their partner, if you really want to help them (and possibly even see a change for the better), learn to turn the other cheek once in a while. Tell your partner how you feel. There's always something to talk about or discuss with your partner, from major financial decisions to taking a job in a new city or choosing rose-colored glasses over green for your wedding reception. Since your relationship is unique, the most important thing is that you use a personalized approach to tackle your relationship issues. 7. Instead of focusing on the small stuff and enlarging them, think about the other factors that brought you together, like love, loyalty, connection, life goals, and humor. They do need to set ground rules to make sure they are both on the same page. We do it for many other reasons, often more important than the traits we find quirky or disturbing. Find a way to appreciate her ability to get things done or someday she will leave you.. Consistent complaining or correction of your partner's actions can lead them to believe that they cannot do anything right. Often the couple has never experienced a good sex life: You can discover this by asking about early dating or honeymoon activity. Of course, your partner has imperfections, too, and you know that. Are you focused on the rose or the thorn? Communicate preferences and set up ground rules to avoid conflicts. These are roadblocks in marriage and life that are highly important and need to be addressed. Lets take a closer look at the situation. Its all a matter of perspective, isnt it? You might need external help before your family tears apart in these instances. Stephen J. Betchen, D.S.W., is the author of the book Magnetic Partners. In a loving relationship, it can be seen as pointing out your partner's physical characteristics or personality traits. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); 2 responses to Nitpicking Can Ruin Good Marriages. 5 How can I stop picking out my partners flaws? We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content. In finding answers to these questions, you realize that some reactions are, in reality, over-fussiness that can be overlooked. Sometimes not being critical is hard. These individuals contend that other factors, such as an emotional connection, friendship, the ability to communicate, the willingness to start a family, and safety and security are just as vital, if not more, to sustaining a healthy, long-term relationship. Instead of retaliating, just listen. When someone is seen to be nitpicking, they've usually made it a part of their annoying behavior to criticize you over the small stuff, and highlight every minor mistake or flaw in something you do. This is better than barraging him with negative comments whenever you need to. One way to change your habit is to recognize its negative effects on you and others and recognize that it is something you can change once you put your mind to it. And once an affair becomes physical, it becomes that much harder to stop. Instead of bringing down the closest person to your heart through nitpicking, you should, if you're the nitpicking partner, assess the behavior you want to address, why you don't like it and why you believe your partner needs to change. Most often, however, the less-interested person has lost the need to even try to stir up a little passion. Initiate a Conversation. AWashington Post article points to a wife who gets things done who is judged by a nitpicking husband: My wife and I live by two different schools of thought. It is true that many people manage to stay together with little to no physical attraction. This is How do you respond to a nitpicking spouse? One issue is when both spouses have different expectations in keeping a clean house. One client became engaged to a man she had little attraction for primarily because of enormous pressure from her mother to settle down. Be neutral, look at your patterns, and help transform the way and manner you offer criticism. Dealing with the effects of nitpicking in your loving relationship can prove to be an arduous task. Take the time to listen about your partners day, feelings, hobby, or whatever they want to talk about. 7. How to stop nitpicking (If you are nitpicking) It can even cause lasting damage. Determine if your comment is needed or not, 3. Be observant. Are you focused Even in Christian marriage, bitterness comes when we do not view our spouse with gracious, forgiving eyes, but with harsh expectations.. And they usually want it done quickly. Nitpicking or nagging are signs that you dont respect your spouse. We can go on and on and on in a never-ending crazy cycle. As it applies to the nitpicking matter, however, in her Huffington Post article, You Missed a Spot! My wife believes the perfect is the enemy of the good, and will accomplish tasks in a way I feel is slapdash. The same applies to our nitpicking habits. Unless the house is on fire and someones turning off the water, rethink your words. In every loving relationship, lots of character and personality flaws are exposed, many of which can make you feel compelled to resort to nitpicking. If youre handing off the tasks that youre passionate about, take them back. The less-interested partner is often accused of never initiating sex, or doing so at the most inopportune times making it less likely to happen. If your partner is constantly doing something that bothers you, it might be a simple matter of setting some ground rules. Then follow this up with, Dont worry about it. This is a toxic characteristic, and its actually good to weed it out if its there. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. Take off your shoes as you enter for showings and politely ask your rental applicants to do the same. to modify their behavior, criticism triggers defensiveness. Assessing your own needs and emotions can help you address your feelings without nitpicking. If your spouse nitpicks at you, puts you down, or demeans you, it's important that you talk about this issue. It may be a difficult discussion, but it's necessary. To put it bluntly, if you ignore physical attraction when choosing a partner, your relationship may be temporary. To your partner, however, dinner is the perfect time catch up on Facebook after a long day at work. The good news is, like any trait or habit, there are ways to spot and stop your Missed A Spot approach.. Insulting a partner in public is a common occurrence, or unfavorably comparing a partner to a neighbor, family member, or co-workeror someone they despise. This offers you a better perspective on the consequences of your actions, enabling you to save your marriage in record time. (These points come from Sheilas article, How Much is Reasonable to Expect from Your Spouse?). 29. 2 How do you deal with constant nitpicking? WebHere are some clear donts when dealing with a blaming partner: Dont Respond/Act If Youre Emotional. If theyve been nitpicking for a long time, theyre used to getting their way. It is not enough to express that you are sad over your partners awful Here are some starting points for discussion: 1. Here are some tips for confronting a nitpicking coworker and stopping their criticisms in their tracks: Be direct and honest about your concerns. Theres also a lot of damage that this type of grumbling and correcting can cause in the relationship. Humility is another great alternative to those days when you're tempted to find irrelevant faults When your partner does something wrong or has a fault that annoys you so much that you can't get over it, instead of losing out with harsh words or focusing on the little things you can easily overlook, be humble enough to be of service to them. And finally, some people attempt to escape societal pressure or to fit in. But many people would, especially men. How to stop nitpicking (If you are getting nitpicked) 1. In case you didnt know, nitpicking means fussing or being overly concerned with minor rules or details. WebWhen you feel like picking out a flaw, turn your own thinking around to simply be kind and show respect. You might not. When expressing how you feel, it's not enough to tell your partner that you don't appreciate their words. How do I stop nitpicking in a relationship? I hope you enjoyed reading this article. Buttering them up in this way prevents them from seeing anything wrong with your feedback. WebBe solution focused. Though it's not encouraged, this is utterly normal and can happen to the best of couples. In marital therapy, I always request that each partner attends at least one individual session. While these factors are important to a viable relationship, so is a passionate, physical attraction. What Type of Person Would Agree to Have Sex With a Stranger? Meditate or speak to an external person to help you identify why you nitpick in the first place. Dont Pick on Things Back and Blame Them WebHere are 2 of the several given that you may want to implement in your life with your spouse: Take a breath. Why does this specific behavior of your partner tick you off or cause you to start nitpicking? First, this makes them pause and realize the positivity added to the situation. This is one reason I liken an affair to a zombie: As in any respectable zombie movie, just when you think a zombie is destroyed, it surprises you and comes back again. Dont beat around Sometimes in assessing the source of your nitpicking, you might find that your criticism of the little things is because you require a way out of the relationship without blatantly coming out to ask for a breakup. Nitpicking doesn't only exist in a love relationship; it is present in all our relationships. It takes work to be mentally healthy, but the results are well worth the effort. Switch your bad habits, such as nitpicking, for good alternatives, such as journaling and passing uplifting comments, and see your relationship thrive. How to cope with nitpicking: 1. It becomes abnormal when nitpicking finds a permanent and regular occurrence in your love relationship. (These points come from Sheilas article, How Much is Reasonable to Expect from Your Spouse?). And heres a thought that you might consider, if youre experiencing difficulty in refraining from nitpicking at your spouse constantly. If your partner is nitpicking, you need to let them know how this makes you feel. Youre also saying that you want the other person to change and that they arent good enough. Most often, the stress is emotional, and as such, your nitpicking might be an unconscious and poor attempt at reacting to those feelings. Encourage your nitpicking partner to be mindful of their criticism, opting for more positive things to say instead of their initial mental comments. Instead of harping on whats wrong, bring a new idea to the situation. If theyre constantly getting chastised for things theyre doing wrong, they never have time (or emotional bandwidth) to do things right! Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. Below aretwo scriptures for those of you who nitpick at your spouse. Learning Mind has over 50,000 email subscribers and more than 1,5 million followers on social media. When we communicate, we are quick to use several 'you' statements, and with these, nitpicking continues. Setting boundaries: Explain that such behaviors are not tolerable and that you will leave the Maybe their nitpicking is making you angry, or perhaps its causing anxiety. A lack of attraction with little to no sex may be bad enough, but many couples stuck in sexless partnerships often demonstrate little affection toward one another either. A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle. In that case, you should consider setting aside time for such conversations. Maybe, when they realize how much pain theyre putting you through, they may back off. Let them know that these statements about the small stuff often set you off in the wrong way and affect your otherwise loving relationship. One of the most common issues is seeing things you dislike in your partner's flaws. To avoid nitpicking, you need to realize that your partner might have a third while you have critique to offer. Bring awareness that they are damaging the relationship by constantly complaining and demanding things. 150 Main Street She wont see him looking at the ceiling; he wont see her rolling her eyes. So often, the one doing the correcting is someone who has even worse habits, and the other spouse views them as a hypocrite. James 5:9, Dont grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. Make sure its realistic and one you both can agree on. If the thorn, how important is your comment in the grand scheme of things? Is clean the issue, or is it tidy? As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. 1. What is nitpicking in a relationship? Heres how you can return safely to shore. People stuck in a relationship lacking physical attraction will most likely have little to no sex. Men have long been silent and stoic about their inner lives, but theres every reason for them to open up emotionallyand their partners are helping. You can also do your best to be supportive of your spouse. Some do so by turning it down when it is initiated, or complaining that it is never good enough. Strategies that can help you deal with being nitpicked include: Rarely do they put their arms around one another or sit in close proximity. 4 How do you deal with a nitpicky spouse? Another great way is by petting. Hold Regular Financial Meetings. Constructive criticism should be delivered when the recipient isnt: Action plan: Be cognizant when you want to bring up issues with yourpartner. WebWhat Not to Do When Dealing With Your Partner's Criticism. WebHere are some ways to strengthen your relationship and protect it from the impact of anxiety: Top up the emotional resources. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. Regardless of which term you use, the effects are the same: constantly looking for, finding, and pointing out faults in your partner can easily lead If your husband is fond of keeping the toilet seat up, even after you've told him not to about thirty times already, humbly do this task for him. Every little action from your partner can mean a lot. It would help if you gave them a vivid description of how their words make you feel. Recognize where your marriage Humiliating a partner on the grandest stage is often a sign of unhappiness with a relationship. Hopefully, after youve done this a few times, your spouse will start to notice their nitpicking behavior. 241 Central Park West, Suite 1C Couples' arguments are inevitable, but there are multiple ways to resolve them. Why Would Any Man Want to Watch His Wife With Another Man? Just like you approached the subject of your feelings, calmly ask the nitpicker what you did wrong, or if you did anything wrong at all. Its vital that you look for ways He will point you to, so you can work around them. Im not talking about abuse or infidelity issues here, just annoyances. Sometimes, multiple frustrating situations pile up and build tension. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.